"When I called my parents to let them know about what had happened, they said, 'You must have been confused, maybe it is only what you think and not what happened. It is all in your head. Maybe you over-analyzed and over-read the situation.' The whole thing was shut then and there but it had irreversibly scarred me. I know. I still remember the day. That day I was home alone in Chitwan. My parents and my brother had come to Kathmandu. It was 4 in the evening because I remember. The uncle had come asking for my parents. I told him that my parents were not home. He asked to come inside. I welcomed him because he was my father's colleague and would visit our home frequently. There was not much for me to think about. I asked him to take a seat and went inside to make tea. I served him tea and took a seat and we both exchanged pleasantries. The uncle was a professor and he knew that my exams were near so he started asking me about it. I was talking to him normally. I do not know the moment when he started touching me. At the moment, I did not know what to make of it. There is a way of showing affection in our families that includes physical proximity and touching, so I could not understand what was going on. I could not read the signals nor could I see the signs that something sinister was happening. He finished his tea and he said, 'If you have math problems, then you can ask me now when I am here and I will help you.” I told him that I was okay and I took my tea into the kitchen and came outside and took a seat. It was then he grabbed my chest. That was when it all became clear to me. I understood what was going on. I jumped up and asked him to leave. He said, 'If you are going to tell on me, I am not going to leave.' That scared me so much that I ran to my neighbours house. From there, I called my parents.I am the kind of person who is not afraid to react to harm coming my way. I act to the situation instantaneously. If someone is harassing me sexually or otherwise, I am the kind of person not afraid to throw a few punches. At least, that was what I had thought. But when I had to go through such an incident I froze. It was a moment of anger, disgust, and total confusion. That made me think of younger girls who are naive and do not understand the lurking evil. How would they protect themselves? How would they protect themselves when their own families do not listen?”
"It took a long time for my parents to realize that these things happen. And it was their reaction to the incident that made me understand that people will only believe what they want to believe. If something disrupts their thought, they enter a phase of denial. They shut themselves away from the thought that shakes their beliefs and the reality they see.That was not the only traumatic incident I went through. There was a time during my commute to college when a guy molested me inside a microvan. The people inside the van knew but everyone became a mute spectator when he repeatedly tried to molest me. I froze too. In retrospect, had I cried out and confronted this man he would have paid the price of his sick behaviour then and there. But I could not. I regret the fact the I did not act at the time when I had already gone through such a situation. I just sat there in disgust trying to protect myself as this man tried to molest me without an iota of fear. The man continued stalking me even after I got out of the microvan. It was only when I made a call to my friend he left. This man must have thought that because I did not retaliate he could do anything to me. He must have thought that I was an easy target. Even today, the guilt of not having done anything still persists in me. What goes inside someone who is being sexually harassed is inexplicable. All the emotions come at once and one does not know what to do. This is not something you think about and every time it happens it is a shock to which there is no immediate reaction. It is like when you accidentally cut yourself but it hurts only after some time has passed. When I was being harassed, I was thinking to myself - ‘Why is this man doing what he is doing?’ and then immediately I was overpowered by fear. I also felt disgusted watching myself in such a state of helplessness. As I walked away from this man to safety many questions came to my mind. "Who would I tell? Would they put the blame on me? Who would listen to my story?"
"I remember every detail of the incident. The color of the clothes he was wearing, what I was wearing, the place where he was seated, where I was seated all in great detail. This vision keeps haunting me and it makes me angry. It makes me angry that my call for support was dismissed. These incidents have made me question the motives of people. I have serious trust issues. It also makes me angry that we are groomed in a society that thrives on judging others. Someone who comes out publicly with their stories is dismissed, trolled, blamed, and shamed making them all the more vulnerable. It is not a safe environment for girls. Their honesty is used against them. This all leads to an immense physical and mental impact on girls who experience these acts of sexual violence especially because they cannot share it with anyone. I think that we need to all come out and talk about it. All of us girls and women need to come out and tell our stories. That might be our closure for I do not trust the system to deliver justice to us. The one thing that I take solace in is the fact that my parents have admitted their misjudgment. They tell me they are sorry. I accept it but my heart goes out to the girls and families whose lives have been destroyed. I shudder at the thought."
(Rashmi Dhakal, Lalitpur)
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