“I do not remember Father working. He was unwell most of the time due to which mother had to manage the household herself. It was difficult for her to take care of the family. Father would take out loans from our neighbours. I think he saw no hope in the future. I also saw my mother’s troubles and it pained my heart. It also made me mature fast. I became older than my age and I took care of the household and my siblings while mother went to earn wages.
Amidst all of that, Mother made sure we went to school. But for me, it was difficult as the work of the household would pile up every time I went to school. So I would drop my brother and sister and come back home although my heart belonged in the classroom. I would try to do more than I could so that I could continue with school. I somehow managed although I was constantly exhausted both at home and at school.
I remember that the situation would become difficult at home especially during festivals as people to whom we owed money would come and threaten us. They would demand the money back or would take away whatever they would find in the house. Father would become unstable due to such financial pressures and would start drinking. That in turn, would create an unhappy environment at home for everyone. But a determination in me was growing. I would now only concentrate on work and earning money. I had made up my mind. Even though my father discriminated against me for being a daughter, I would work, earn money, look after the family, and pay off the loans. I love father more than he will ever know. It was father bitterness and his foul words that he used towards me gave me the guts to change my life and to do good. I was not going to marry early. I was going to make money and prove to my father that I was no less than a son."
“I only cry alone. I smile and keep quiet in front of people. It is only when they leave, I cry. Most of the time I cry for my mother. My mother was 16 when she got married to my father. He was 45 years old. With Father, her life was not easy. Marrying a man almost the age of her father was neither her wish nor her need. With him, she did not receive any love but only scoldings. She never retaliated. Even today, she takes refuge in her silence. She has the strongest heart. Even today, I do not know what feelings she has concealed inside.
The tears I cry for mother have a lot of power. They have given me the strength to carry on. And in the pursuit of a better life for myself and my family, I left home for Kathmandu. Today, I work and live with a family here. Their lives are very different from mine. Sometimes, I get lonely and I miss my village and my family. But I know that if I am to support my family, going back to the village is not a wish I can harbour. You see, I want my brother and sister to continue with school and have a better life for themselves. Only then it would mean my sacrifices, the dreams I had but abandoned, did not go in vain.
Every month, I send money home to my mother. Although it does not solve all the problems it does provide a lot of financial relief for my mother. And now that I have started taking care of my family and sending money home, my father's behaviour has changed. Maybe he now sees how capable I am to be able to provide food and meet their needs. Every time I go home, he says, 'It is a good day to celebrate. My son has returned.' I just keep quiet and let him rejoice. My mother and I look at each other and smile together at his stupor."
"She treats me like her own elder sister. It was her idea to teach me english. That day, when she showed me the sun and the stars in her laptop, I could not believe what I was seeing. She showed me earth and I could not believe that is where we are. It made me think there must be other people on other earths. And more in the bigger ones. I then realised that we all are so small compared to the stars and the sun. I asked her many questions, some of which she had no answers to. That day, I felt there is a lot more for me to know. Maybe I will find out, maybe I will not. Sometimes, I fear the future and other times I am hopeful."
“People have the right to part ways if they differ in their thoughts. My parents separated too. My father did not trust my mother so they found no grounds for a relationship. I witnessed the fallout which made me feel like I was the victim. I was rigorously trying to escape the situation. This incident in my life made me a quiet person. During that time, I felt that I was not strong enough to be vocal or to resolve the situation. I also kept quiet because I did not want to be the reason for any confrontation. I was scared of conflict. There were times when I had aggressively countered my father and defended my mother. But it had filled me up with guilt. So I had decided to remain quiet. I was always lost in my own thoughts, accustomed to my own fears, and guilt. I was talking to myself and, not with the people around me.
If the relationship between my parents was normal, I imagine myself having a better life. Good schooling, guidance for education, and career. I would have felt more secure financially and emotionally. I would have felt more confident to take on challenges for my future.
But, at the same time, I am not dissatisfied or complaining about what I have today and what I have become. This experience in life has also made me resilient. I have learned of heartbreaks and I learned of life and relationship. As of late, I have started to look beyond myself. I realise that my siblings might also have been struggling which I might have been ignoring for a long time. I realise that then I was naive not to see what my mother was going through.
Everything that has happened has also made me be very independent and sensitive toward human emotions, I try to understand people more thoroughly than making a quick judgment. Today, I have acceptance. Today, I have empathy. For everyone. Even for my father."
(Minu Jirel, Sindhupalchowk)
#TheFutureIWant
SON X UN